Total word count: 14,911.
Yes, it is safe to say, I have been flagging. I was hoping to get at least a week in before I began to wobble but alas, it took me just five days. In my defence, I knew I wouldn’t be writing for two of them because of being in London. What I didn’t foresee (though I probably should have done) was the massive blooming flare-up that followed my Big City jaunt. As a consequence, yesterday I was in so much pain I even had to resort to sitting on an icepack: definitely a new low. On the Pain Scale, I was undoubtedly flirting with an 8 or 9. Naturally, ain’t no words happening when you’re too busy hyperventilating and trying to numb your crotch.
The GOOD NEWS is, because I got a headstart in the first couple of days and wrote more than I needed, not less, I am actually still on track for completing 50,000 words by the end of the month, according to my calculations.
Finally, once again, I missed Thankful Thursday this week! Mea culpa. Here’s this week’s Top Five:
1. Interesting and talented friends. On Wednesday and Thursday, I had the delight of going to a gig with a fellow comedian-friend, stayed over in a house belonging to my close friend who is working as a professional actor and director, met a friend who is training as a professional fencer for brunch, and sat in on an informal concert at the Royal Academy of Music in London, where my best friend in the world is studying to be an accompanist. Even in the moments where I feel my dreams have rather evaporated into the place where all unattainable fantasies reside, I am still so blessed to be able to vicariously share in the talents and exciting experiences of these lovely people I am fortunate enough to know and value. I’m going to try and meditate on that this week (I am so bad at practising!!) – I reckon it’s a great week to strengthen my mudita. *For more information on this trait, which signifies a pure unadulterated joy at the good of others; the opposite of jealousy – see this article.
2. My novel. This feeling of evanescing dreams for the future put aside, the more I write, the more I am allowing my imagination to stretch its limbs and strengthen itself again. Not only is this benefitting my writing in itself, I am also beginning to embrace new daydreams… Finishing the novel, sending it to publishers, using the experience to springboard me to write the children’s book I’ve been planning since I was about 6 – maybe even seeing the book in Waterstones or amongst other books in a store. That’s not why I’m participating (I’m loving writing for the sake of it and the knowledge I am acting on my commitment – albeit haphazardly!), but it’s a lovely side-effect.
3. Family. Last week my sister and I did a spontaneous Frozen duet in the car. When we arrived at our destination, I took my gorgeous nephews, one in each hand, and walked in the crisp Autumn sunshine. It was nothing short of sublime. I have also been reunited with my Dad who has been working abroad; I’ve laughed more seeing him than I have in days.
4. Tea. What more is to be said? Good enough for Colin; good enough for me.
5. Confidence. When I was performing in London this week (see Instagram post below), I noticed how much my confidence has grown. Doing comedy can do that to you, I suppose. But more than that: I really feel like I’m growing up, unbuttoning myself, allowing my personality to come forth and flourish as I have been struggling to let it for years. From the age of sixteen, I quickly internalised a sudden crippling shyness and fear, which strangled me from speaking fluidly, making jokes, being myself around new people, without showering myself in chastising judgements and harsh appraisals. Since my pain worsened, I have made every effort to cultivate an encouraging Inner Voice, which daily compliments me on the efforts I am making, and commiserates me when I make the odd mistake. Because of her support, this week I was able to loosen up, shake hands, laugh and chat with a whole host of unpredicted characters. I rang the hospital and left a message on the answer phone, the competence of which astonished my mother, who overheard me making the call. I thank God for the opportunity I have had to rehabilitate my self-image, and foster positive reinforcement in my day-to-day living. You’re doing ok, girl. You’re doing ok.